today has been a long day. i have had lots of work to do, papers and essays to write, awana cubbies, and some true heartache.
i will not go into all the details, mainly because they just aren't important right now. but one thing that i am learning, a bit painfully, is that i can't fix things. i can't change them, i can't control them. life itself is out of my hands and out of my control.
it is hard for me to learn to just "sit tight" and let things just fall into place. it is hard for me to take my hands off the wheel and sit in the passenger seat, allowing my Heavanly Father to drive. it is hard for me to take a deep breath and say, God, i think i'll let you handle this one.
boy oh boy, i feel like i have been writing the same things over and over. i look back over past posts and see the same common threads running through my blog. and once again, it is probably because God is really working on me, teaching me, and molding me. which is a good thing, right? it is. and i am very thankful for the work that he is doing my life and in my heart, no matter how painful. i truly am. there is nothing more beautiful than watching God work in my life. i love looking back and seeing how God has molded me, shaped me, and made me into the person that HE wants me to be. my desire is to serve Him, and follow Him all the days of my life. but it is painful. it truly is hard to give Him the reigns. now, i am not very good at articulating these thoughts, so, i will use some lyrics by my favorite, bethany dillon, to help put words to the feelings in my heart right now:
"and i'm learning when you build, it feels like you tear me apart
and when you heal it always leaves a scar
and even when you fill, you leave me with a beggar's heart"
he is healing, and leaving a scar, he is building and tearing me apart. but i know that the finished product will be beautiful and I will be one step closer to being like the heart of God. and that is enough for me. He is more than enough.
I am praying for His peace...the peace that surpasses all understanding...the peace that can calm my anxious heart. that is what i want right now, in this moment. perfect peace. and He is granting that peace...
i may not understand why certain things are happening...i may not understand for weeks, months, maybe even years. because I am not God.
"God is God and I am not
I can only see a part
of the picture He's painting
God is God and I am man
So I'll never understand it all
For only God is God"
that is one of my absolute favorite songs by steven curtis chapman. GOD IS GOD. and there are times, right now for example, when I need to let go and let God be God.
29 October 2008
23 October 2008
to my best friend...
i wish i could rewind life to last weekend...my best friend came to visit. it was so refreshing to have her around...i loved just talking, walking, laughing, being goofy and just enjoying the company of my friend! she is truly an amazing person. the main reason she came to visit was to take my senior pictures.
courtney is an INCREDIBLE photographer and she did a wonderful job making me look good in these pictures! :) thanks, court!
besides being an amazing photographer courtney is an amazing friend. i have known her for about 5 years...we met in NY when our paths crossed at West Point. We were both in junior high and were in the same Sunday school class...I don't even remember exactly how we met, but, we did and have been BEST FRIENDS ever since.
courtney is a beautiful person...she has lovely golden blonde hair and bright blue eyes...and a BIG smile! but, she is truly beautiful on the inside as well...i know that sounds cliche, but i can't think of a better way to say it. proverbs 17:17 says, "A friend loves at all times." that is courtney.
when i think of what a friend is, or what a friend should be, her face comes to my mind. She is the definition of friend. loyal, trustworthy, honest, outgoing, a great listener, very wise, a TRUE follower of Christ, encouraging, kind, energetic and fun...the list could go on and on.
courtney is always the first, second and third person i call with any kind of news. No matter what i know that i can always call her and just spill whatever is on my heart and she will listen...that is such a huge blessing!!!
she is so honest...whether she needs to tell me that a pair of shoes i bought were "not so cute" or if i have goofed up in some way shape or form (which happens often!) i know that she will tell me and call me out. she holds me accountable and always lets me know when something is not right. which in turn allows me to be honest with her...i think that these characteristics can be hard to find these days...an honest and trustworthy friend. not so easy to come across...and i am truly thankful that i have courtney!
she is a strong follower of Christ and makes that so evident in her day-to-day life. Anyone in the world could watch courtney and know that she is set apart. i admire that in her. She has a strong faith and is not ashamed to show it. this quality is probably my favorite. how many 17 year olds can you find with unshakable faith? i have not come across very many other than courtney.
i admire my best friend. and i am very thankful that God allowed our paths to cross...
love you courtney!!!
14 October 2008
what i am living for...
just a few things i wanted to share...i promise it will be quick because i have a college application waiting for me! :)
anyways...i am so excited because my BEST FRIEND is coming to visit in just 1 day! she is coming out to take my senior pics and it has been a long time since i have seen her! i can't wait to just sit and talk and have a good time together!
the other thing is the power of the cross. i know, crazy jump - senior pics to the cross - my mind just does that. *grin*
today, i have been listening to the song, "the power of the cross" by keith and kristyn getty. it is such an awesome song, and i just wanted to share the words with you guys, just in case you haven't heard it. if you haven't, i would suggest listening to it right now. :)
"The Power of the Cross"
Oh, to see the dawn
Of the darkest day:
Christ on the road to Calvary.
Tried by sinful men,
Torn and beaten, then
Nailed to a cross of wood.
This, the pow'r of the cross:
Christ became sin for us;
Took the blame, bore the wrath—
We stand forgiven at the cross.
Oh, to see the pain
Written on Your face,
Bearing the awesome weight of sin.
Ev'ry bitter thought,
Ev'ry evil deed
Crowning Your bloodstained brow.
Now the daylight flees;
Now the ground beneath
Quakes as its Maker bows His head.
Curtain torn in two,
Dead are raised to life;
"Finished!" the vict'ry cry.
Oh, to see my name
Written in the wounds,
For through Your suffering I am free.
Death is crushed to death;
Life is mine to live,
Won through Your selfless love.
This, the pow'r of the cross:
Son of God—slain for us.
What a love! What a cost!
We stand forgiven at the cross.
I just love those lyrics...i stand forgiven at the cross...
and as powerful as that is to me, i wonder if that power and wonder is being displayed in the way i live my life. are others able to see the power of God in my every day life? or am i too caught up in the stresses of life, or too consumed by my own business?
i have had a lot of goals this year and i am adding another one to the list. i want to make my every day life so filled with the power of Christ that no one has any doubts who i belong to. i don't want anyone to ever question what i stand for, or who i stand for.
one more thing i want to tack on to this blog. it is a quote, but i'm not sure what it is from...but it is really neat and i want to share it with you guys...
"I am a part of the fellowship of the unashamed. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I will NOT turn back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed. My present makes sense. My future is secure. I am finished and done with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals. My face is set. My gait is fast. My goal is heaven. My road is narrow. My way is rough. My companions are few. My guide is reliable. My mission is clear. I WILL NOT give up, shut up, or let up until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up for the cause of Christ. I must go until He comes, give until I drop, preach until everyone knows, work until HE stops me, and when He comes for His own, He will have no trouble recognizing me because MY BANNER WILL HAVE BEEN CLEAR."
don't you want to be a part of that? that is what i want my life to be all about. making my banner clear that i am "a disciple of Jesus Christ." what else is there to live for?
anyways...i am so excited because my BEST FRIEND is coming to visit in just 1 day! she is coming out to take my senior pics and it has been a long time since i have seen her! i can't wait to just sit and talk and have a good time together!
the other thing is the power of the cross. i know, crazy jump - senior pics to the cross - my mind just does that. *grin*
today, i have been listening to the song, "the power of the cross" by keith and kristyn getty. it is such an awesome song, and i just wanted to share the words with you guys, just in case you haven't heard it. if you haven't, i would suggest listening to it right now. :)
"The Power of the Cross"
Oh, to see the dawn
Of the darkest day:
Christ on the road to Calvary.
Tried by sinful men,
Torn and beaten, then
Nailed to a cross of wood.
This, the pow'r of the cross:
Christ became sin for us;
Took the blame, bore the wrath—
We stand forgiven at the cross.
Oh, to see the pain
Written on Your face,
Bearing the awesome weight of sin.
Ev'ry bitter thought,
Ev'ry evil deed
Crowning Your bloodstained brow.
Now the daylight flees;
Now the ground beneath
Quakes as its Maker bows His head.
Curtain torn in two,
Dead are raised to life;
"Finished!" the vict'ry cry.
Oh, to see my name
Written in the wounds,
For through Your suffering I am free.
Death is crushed to death;
Life is mine to live,
Won through Your selfless love.
This, the pow'r of the cross:
Son of God—slain for us.
What a love! What a cost!
We stand forgiven at the cross.
I just love those lyrics...i stand forgiven at the cross...
and as powerful as that is to me, i wonder if that power and wonder is being displayed in the way i live my life. are others able to see the power of God in my every day life? or am i too caught up in the stresses of life, or too consumed by my own business?
i have had a lot of goals this year and i am adding another one to the list. i want to make my every day life so filled with the power of Christ that no one has any doubts who i belong to. i don't want anyone to ever question what i stand for, or who i stand for.
one more thing i want to tack on to this blog. it is a quote, but i'm not sure what it is from...but it is really neat and i want to share it with you guys...
"I am a part of the fellowship of the unashamed. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I will NOT turn back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed. My present makes sense. My future is secure. I am finished and done with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals. My face is set. My gait is fast. My goal is heaven. My road is narrow. My way is rough. My companions are few. My guide is reliable. My mission is clear. I WILL NOT give up, shut up, or let up until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up for the cause of Christ. I must go until He comes, give until I drop, preach until everyone knows, work until HE stops me, and when He comes for His own, He will have no trouble recognizing me because MY BANNER WILL HAVE BEEN CLEAR."
don't you want to be a part of that? that is what i want my life to be all about. making my banner clear that i am "a disciple of Jesus Christ." what else is there to live for?
07 October 2008
...I need You...
oh boy, oh boy, oh boy...
it's barely wednesday and i already want this week to be over...
do you ever have one of those weeks where it would be better if you just slept right through it? that would be my week this week. it's not a bad week, just not the best. it's been strange...
...i have really been praying that God would help me lower my stress level...help me eliminate things that are causing clutter in my life...and He IS! which, should excite me...an answered prayer! yay, right? instead, i am feeling more stressed...it's been so strange. i don't even really know how to describe it. i wish i could, but, i can't.
i think part of my struggle this week is fatigue...i am just tired. this year is moving at a rapid pace and i just can't keep up. hmm, didn't i just write about this? :)
i've been so tired lately that all i want to do is just cry and sleep. i have been getting frustrated easily, and incredibly overwhelmed and i honestly don't know why. it's like i am being really attacked right now. i have done well with my morning Bible readings and have been learning so much...hmm...could it possibly be that when i start to feel really grounded and connected with the Lord, that Satan tries to weasel his way in and mess things up...of course!
and I think that due to my tiredness, i feel weak and unable to stand my ground. i think that right now i am learning to be really DEpendant on God...and that is hard for me. it is hard for me to say, "I can't do this on my own. I need help." I like to be able to do things by myself and for myself and right now, i just can't. i can't do it. and i am really tired of trying.
i feel like i have been writing about the same things lately. i think these things are things that God is really pounding into my head and heart lately. He keeps reminding me that I can't do this alone. I can't depend on myself. I am not able to run on my own strength and energy. it's just not possible. no matter how hard i try i will never be able to.
i wish i could get that concept through my head, but i just am really struggling with that. accepting the fact that i NEED the Lord. every single day. the only reason I am even sitting here writing this is because of Him...
why is it so hard for me to just say, "God I NEED you..."?
I do...
I need Him...
it's barely wednesday and i already want this week to be over...
do you ever have one of those weeks where it would be better if you just slept right through it? that would be my week this week. it's not a bad week, just not the best. it's been strange...
...i have really been praying that God would help me lower my stress level...help me eliminate things that are causing clutter in my life...and He IS! which, should excite me...an answered prayer! yay, right? instead, i am feeling more stressed...it's been so strange. i don't even really know how to describe it. i wish i could, but, i can't.
i think part of my struggle this week is fatigue...i am just tired. this year is moving at a rapid pace and i just can't keep up. hmm, didn't i just write about this? :)
i've been so tired lately that all i want to do is just cry and sleep. i have been getting frustrated easily, and incredibly overwhelmed and i honestly don't know why. it's like i am being really attacked right now. i have done well with my morning Bible readings and have been learning so much...hmm...could it possibly be that when i start to feel really grounded and connected with the Lord, that Satan tries to weasel his way in and mess things up...of course!
and I think that due to my tiredness, i feel weak and unable to stand my ground. i think that right now i am learning to be really DEpendant on God...and that is hard for me. it is hard for me to say, "I can't do this on my own. I need help." I like to be able to do things by myself and for myself and right now, i just can't. i can't do it. and i am really tired of trying.
i feel like i have been writing about the same things lately. i think these things are things that God is really pounding into my head and heart lately. He keeps reminding me that I can't do this alone. I can't depend on myself. I am not able to run on my own strength and energy. it's just not possible. no matter how hard i try i will never be able to.
i wish i could get that concept through my head, but i just am really struggling with that. accepting the fact that i NEED the Lord. every single day. the only reason I am even sitting here writing this is because of Him...
why is it so hard for me to just say, "God I NEED you..."?
I do...
I need Him...
03 October 2008
can you say, WEEKEND?!?!
Oh my gravy!!!
words cannot even describe how happy i am that it is the weekend. this week has been so so so long and tiring...i am so happy that the weekend is FINALLY here!! *sigh*
so, this week i was working on not freaking out or stressing out and i really wanted to work on consinstancy in my Bible readings. i made it! i was able to have a quiet time every morning this week and i didn't get stressed out (ok, maybe i got a little stressed out, but not as much as last week! *grin*). i am so thankful that this week went so well. it wasn't easy, but, i made it and i am very thankful! very very thankful.
and, i ordered my rain boots and am so excited! :) my best friend from NY is coming out to visit in about 2 weeks to take my senior pictures and i think my boots will be here in time for that! i sure hope so! haha...i can not even tell you how excited i am to go puddle jumping in these boots. it's the simple things in life, right?
you know what else is exciting? today, it felt like FALL!! the air was SO crisp and cold...mmm, i was loving it. I just sat out on the deck tonite (with many layers on...brrr!), listened to my ipod and just enjoyed watching the sunset behind the trees. it was just awesome. i was shivering and shaking and loving every minute of it! i LOVE this time of year! can't wait utnil the leaves change colors!!
anyways...a bit scattered tonite, but, oh well. i guess scattered blogs are to be expected by now. my brain moves too fast to try and organize thoughts. :)
more later-
words cannot even describe how happy i am that it is the weekend. this week has been so so so long and tiring...i am so happy that the weekend is FINALLY here!! *sigh*
so, this week i was working on not freaking out or stressing out and i really wanted to work on consinstancy in my Bible readings. i made it! i was able to have a quiet time every morning this week and i didn't get stressed out (ok, maybe i got a little stressed out, but not as much as last week! *grin*). i am so thankful that this week went so well. it wasn't easy, but, i made it and i am very thankful! very very thankful.
and, i ordered my rain boots and am so excited! :) my best friend from NY is coming out to visit in about 2 weeks to take my senior pictures and i think my boots will be here in time for that! i sure hope so! haha...i can not even tell you how excited i am to go puddle jumping in these boots. it's the simple things in life, right?
you know what else is exciting? today, it felt like FALL!! the air was SO crisp and cold...mmm, i was loving it. I just sat out on the deck tonite (with many layers on...brrr!), listened to my ipod and just enjoyed watching the sunset behind the trees. it was just awesome. i was shivering and shaking and loving every minute of it! i LOVE this time of year! can't wait utnil the leaves change colors!!
anyways...a bit scattered tonite, but, oh well. i guess scattered blogs are to be expected by now. my brain moves too fast to try and organize thoughts. :)
more later-
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