hello! hello! hello!

Well, the school year is well underway and I am...not quite sure how I am liking it...


I am enjoying my classes, loving the fact that I'm a senior, but am SO BUSY I don't really know what to do! YIKES!


At the beginning of this year, I promised myself that I wouldn't say yes to too many things. I promised myself that I would take it easy and enjoy my last year of HS. I promised myself that if I did get too busy, I would cut out some things and better prioritize my time.


Let's just say, I'm not doing a very good job. Between school work, babysitting, AWANA leading, Children's Church on Sunday afternoons, Youth Group on Sunday nights, and sleeping...things have gotten pretty hectic.


I don't like it.


While I have always preferred busyness to boredom, the busyness I am experiencing right now, just isn't fun. I can't seem to find the balance. My life right now feels scattered and cluttered and disorganized. My brain is constantly trying to keep track of everything and it just can't. I just can't seem to find my "groove," if you will.


I guess I sort of expected to ease into this year, slowly start things, and therefore, finding my groove and the balance wouldn't be too difficult. instead, everything started at once. I felt like life was flying at me at 100 miles an hour and I had to try and catch up...I still feel that way. I feel behind, even though I've barely started.


And the hard part is, I don't know what I can give up to try and make this year a little less crazy.


And the hard part is, I don't WANT to give anything up in order to make this year a little less crazy.


when I keep myself busy, it makes me feel really good about myself. Sort of like, "look how much I can handle and still keep a smile on my face!" Only, the smile hasn't really been there. And instead of feeling really good, I feel really crummy. The fact that I can't balance everything makes me feel...bad. Sort of like one big failure...I get caught up thinking that i should be able to balance all of these things. and the truth is-I can't. I can't keep track of it all. I can't balance it all. And you know what, I think I need to stop trying.


Maybe I shouldn't be trying so hard to fit a 5 course meal onto a lunch plate, instead of one that's dinner size. (sorry, I'm a bit hungry right now!) And maybe I shoudn't be the one that's doing the balancing.


I think I found the issue. I have been trying to make it all work. I have been trying to balance everything. And I shouldn't be. I should just let God to the balancing, and the organizing...maybe let HIM take over. Because, in all honesty, one of the first things to go when I get stressed out, is my quiet time.


I had been trying to wake up in the morning, read a few verses, and really meditate on them, not only in the morning, but throughout the day. Well, when I realized how tired I had become, I decided that sleep was more important then spending time with the Lord. But, I think that that time with Him was keeping me sane. And giving it up, only made me, actually IS MAKING ME more stressed out.


I think it's time that I start going to bed 15 or 20 minutes earlier, so that I can wake up earlier and spend the first minutes of my day with the one who graciously GAVE me the day. I think that starting my day off right will in turn make the entire day go a bit more smoothly. In fact, I know it will. And maybe I should just stop worrying about everything. I worry so much about getting things done, finding time for things etc. But, worrying is a big, fat WASTE OF TIME!


I think that my goal for this week, and the rest of this school year, will be to eliminate worrying, and start my day off right. I'll let you know how it goes...


:)

just in a writing kind of mood...

ok, so, i know i just wrote like 2 days ago, but, i just really feel like writing. so, this blog may be really boring. sorry guys!


well, today i went and saw a fabulous movie!! sisterhood of the traveling pants 2. it was fantastic! i love those movies...it makes me thankful for the friends i have!!!


i went with my sister and our 2 cousins, which was a blast!! we all wore jeans! :) you can't go to the sisterhood movie and not wear jeans!! it just wouldn't be right. so, we went off to the movies in our jeans and discussing which sister we were most like.


it was a blast!! and then i just spent the rest of the day doing nothing.


as i sit here, i am thinking about doing nothing and how i usually spend my time. its usually on facebook. because, out here, its lonely. but, there are pepole on facebook...and i love people! but, is that really the best use of my time? yes and no. sure, i am getting to know people, and having some really great conversations. but, it is also keeping me from getting other things done. like my school work, quiet times, and other odds and ends things.


so, i decided to facebook fast again. i did it once before and it was great. it is time to do it again i think. for one week. so, i am going to do it, and when the fast is done, i will do my best to get on and write about it!! :)


anyways...that's about all i have for now. told you this would be boring.


have a lovely day, friends!!


mucho amor-

being free, losing chains and love that is alive...

even after writing the title of this post i am sensing something very scattered coming...but hey, what else is new. haha


this past week was an interesting one. learned a lot, struggled a lot, pleaded a lot...and lost some things...


let me start at the beginning of the week...don't worry, i won't give you a play by play of my week, i know that no one really cares what time i woke up, what i had for lunch, or what t-shirt i wore on wednesday. so, you can breath a sigh of relief.


this week began with some questions and worries. i was worried about all sorts of things and things that just aren't worh worrying about. i was wasting time. wasting time worrying. i was worrying about whether or not i would get into calvin, worrying that i would never make friends out here, worrying that i just wasn't enough...see, lately i have just felt out of place in my own family. not just with my sisters or parents, but also with my extended family, cousins, aunts, uncles. i feel like i just don't really fit...like i am not good enough or just simply not enough. if that even makes sense...


and then that trickled into how i feel about making friends...i think to myself, if i can't even fit in with my own family, what makes me think i will find friends i "fit" with. it was just a bit of a downward spiral....


i realized that i mainly wanted friends because friends affirm me. it is my friends that help encourage me and boost my confidance. due to a lack of affirmation growing up, i have become someone who craves that affirmation, i feel like i need that boost every now and again. i was bound by the need for affirmation. it got to the point where i didn't even want friends for the relationships they brought, but i wanted friends for that confidance booster i knew they would bring me.


i couldn't even function without trying to get some affirmation from someone, anyone. and that was wrong. i was bound by certain things in my past. or a lack of certain things...


i couldn't truly live because i was held down by chains. i was stuck in a rut. and i wanted it to end.


but, i think i was having a stupid week because i just didn't know how to lose these chains...hmmm....definitley was having a brain fart. :)


was listening to some music (you know what's coming...) and i heard a couple songs that really helped me (imagine that? me being encouraged by a song? haha). so, as always, i will share these songs with you in hopes that they help/encourage you as much as they have me! :)

No More Chains
*Nichole Nordeman

How did I get locked up inside?
What's this that renders me paralyzed?
I lost myself in small pieces
It happened over time

I traded love for a heavy chain
Another link every other day
I pulled it up and down a mountain
It made me want to say?

No more chains
No more chains
Big and small, watch them fall away
No more chains
Big and small, watch them fall away

I wonder now if the choice was mine
The door was open, I walked inside
Nobody had my arm twisted
Nobody made me stay

The face of freedom can show up small
A tiny crack in a prison wall
A song that rises up from silence
A voice that wants to say?

I should let you give me wings
I should let you set me free

so, i was listening to the words of that song, just asking God to free me...and then i heard another song, that made me realize, i am free...


Finally Free
*Nichole Nordeman

No chain is strong enough
No choice is wrong enough
No mountain high enough that He can't climb

No shadow dark enough
No night is black enough
No road is lost enough that He can't find

And if the Son has set us free
Then we must be, free indeed
Let the chains fall away, starting today
Everything has changed
I'm finally free

No pain is deep enough
No heart could bleed enough
Nothing but Jesus' love can make a way

And if the Son has set us free
Then we must be, free indeed
Let the chains fall away, starting today
Everything has changed
I'm finally free

Let freedom ring


What an amazing song. i am free. nothing can keep me from that freedom. once i have been set free, i am free, free indeed. then i just got to thinking about how truly awesome that is...to be set free...its incredible. and its thanks to the love God has for us....which brings me to my final song. don't worry, its not a whole song, just one line that i think is so neat. its from a third day song called, "call my name." it is written as tho it is God speaking to us and this one line says:


"the love i have for you is so alive"


i LOVE that...the love that God has for me is so alive. which, just makes me feel free already.


so friends, i hope that you can be free..."let the chains, fall away, starting today"


love you all, be free

One year down!

well, it has been exactly one year since we moved!! this has been a whirlwind of a year and as i have said before, it has been the hardest year of my life, but, i wouldn't trade it for anything...ANYTHING! it has been an amazing year. 

in trying to figure out how to put this year into words, many songs come to mind (surprise, huh?! haha). So, i thought i would share a few with you. it won't be many, but, whatever. i thought it'd be fun. :)

the first is now one of my favorite songs and is one that i listen to often and it truly has been and is my prayer. it is a song by barlow girl and is called, here's my life. the whole song is great, but, i will just share the chorus:

God I'm crying out tonight

Cuz I've given you my life

But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind

So once more

Here's my life

I just absolutely love that! I have given my life to Christ, but, I have missed what is behind... yet still, all i want is for my life to be in HIS hands. I have learned a lot, but, one thing sticks out in my mind. and i will share that with you all in another song...:)

God is in control

We believe that His children will not be forsaken

God is in control

We will choose to remember and never be shaken

There is no power above or beside Him we know

God is in control

what a promise...and I have totally seen that promise illustrated to me so clearly this year! in everything, God's hand has been so evident. he is ALWAYS there and is SOOO faithful! I have learned also that HIS timing is so much better then mine and his plans are so much greater then anything i could even IMAGINE or dream up!! All i have to do is hand my life over to him and just trust! which, is definitely easier said then done...

ok, only 2 more songs to share! :) this one is not only having to do with the moving year, but, with life in general...

this is a natalie grant song and it is just awesome! its called make it matter...

Take my life

And lift me up to the sky

Take my dreams

And help me to fly

On the wings of possiblity

Come rewrite my history

Til its only You I'm chasing after

Take this life and make it matter

I love this song! most of these songs are centered around just giving my life over to him, DAILY! and letting him take the reigns. Which brings me to the final song. Another barlow girl (side note: if you haven't bought the new barlow girl cd (how can we be silent) then stop reading this and go buy it right now. its incredible!!) and its called, i don't regret. i am going to put all the lyrics up for this one because it is just a great song!! so, here it is...

They're telling me

They're concerned for the way I am living

That I'll miss it all

Why would I think that God is that trusting

I can't explain all the words He has spoken to my heart

Why I'd want Him more

I don't regret choosing You

And I'm not ashamed

That it's You who holds my heart

Why do we think

If we trust God to much He will fail us

Nothing has come

When I chose that in me I'd trust

Separate me

You have called out to follow you blindly

I won't fear Your leading me

And I don't regret choosing You

And I'm not ashamed that its You who holds my heart

You have shown my ever wandering heart what love is

What on earth is more important then to have all of You

And I don't regret choosing You

And i'm not ashamed that its You who holds my heart

So, that's all for now! hope to talk to all of you soon! LOVE!!

Sweet Revenge...

So, this week, has been crazy...and its only tuesday. :)


Yesterday was a long day. I had a lot to think about and work through. But, its ok. I got to talk to my best friend for a long time and that was wonderful! And today, is just another one of those days. I have just been thinking a lot lately...


The thing on my mind today was my relationship with a member of my family...my dad. Now, I won't share all the details, but, basically, I have been upset. Just at how certain things have been lately. And I have wanted so badly for him to feel what i have been feeling. To feel the hurt I have experienced, the pain in my life. I wanted some way to "get back at him", for lack of a better way of putting it. And then, I listened to this song by BarlowGirl. Here are the lyrics...


"Sweet Revenge"


Did you see that I was hurt?
Did you know that you had left me crying there?
Now I'm holding all you words close till you feel this pain too

But you live on so unaware
While I thought somehow this hate would heal me
But this hate is never ending and it's only killing me

Oh sweet revenge you've lied again

I find I can't get free till I release this vengeance that I seek
Forgive you the only thing
I want to live I'm ready to be free

Maybe you've been wounded too
Maybe all this is your self protection
All the hurts you thought were hidden
Are the one now hurting me

So who will make the pattern end?

I find I can't get free till I release this vengeance that I seek
Forgive you, the only thing
I want to live I'm ready to

Break these chains
Won't see this through
'Cause setting you free will mean my freedom too

I find I can't get free till I release this vengeance that I seek
Forgive you the only thing
I want to live I'm ready to be free


So, there you go. That song...good isn't it. And so, right now, I am saying that I will release the feelings of wanting to get back, or seek revenge. Its not worth it. I want to be free. That's really all...I just wanted to share that with you. Hope you are having a wonderful day...