I am Responsible.

not too long ago, my friend brooke had me listen to a song called "albertine" by brooke fraser. when i first heard the song i thought it was neat, but didn't let the words fully sink in. the other night, i stumbled across the song again and took the time to actually listen to the words being sung. check it out:

"Albertine" By: Brooke Fraser

I am sitting still
I think of Angelique
her mothers voice over me
And the bullets in the wall where it fell silent
And on a thousandth hill, I think of Albertine
there in her eyes what I don't see with my own
Rwanda

Now that I have seen, I am responsible
Faith without deeds is dead
now that I have held you in my own arms, I cannot let go till you are

I am on a plane across a distant sea
But I carry you in me
and the dust on, the dust on, the dust on my feet
Rwanda

Now that I have seen, I am responsible

Faith without deeds is dead

Now that I have held you in my own arms, I cannot let go till you are

I will tell the world, I will tell them where I've been
I will keep my word
I will tell them Albertine

Now that I have seen, I am responsible

Faith without deeds is dead

Now that I have held you in my own arms, I cannot let go till you are

I am on a stage, a thousand eyes on me
I will tell them, Albertine
I will tell them, Albertine

I absolutely love this song and since purchasing it on itunes it has quickly risen to the top of my "25 most played" songs. the words that really get to me are those words that are bolded. "now that i have seen, i am responsible. faith without deeds is dead." wow. now, in this particular song, the artist is talking about things in Rwanda - the violence there and a girl named albertine. so at first, i let the words roll off my tongue as i sang along. but the Lord continued to press those lines on my heart and I began to realize that this song applied to my life.

what have i seen? what have i seen, that i now am responsible for? not just big things like, hunger, violence or worldwide problems - though those are important. but what about things right here at home. have i seen lonely people? what about the homeless? how about people without jobs? those that get teased? have i seen all of those things? yes. am i now responsible? yes. should i take action to help make a difference? yes. have i? no.

i may be talking the talk, but am i TRULY walking the walk? hmmm.

"faith without deeds is dead" brooke fraser wasn't the original writer of those words. the Bible states:

"What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, 'Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,' but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. But someone will say, 'You have faith; i have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.'" James 2:14-18

wow.

when people watch me, are they able to see a reflection of the Father in me? do they know by my love or my actions that I am set apart? that i am living for something so much greater than myself? am i taking responsibility for what i see every day?

i may talk the talk, but i think it is time that i truly start walking the walk, and living out my faith. does that mean i need to hop on the next plane to Rwanda and save the country? no, not necessarily. but does that mean that maybe i order an extra burger off the dollar menu to give to the homeless man on the street? sure. or i make a point of talking to a "loner" at school. yes.

i don't want a faith that is dead. i want my faith to be alive and pouring out of me. it's about time i make that happen.

"Now that I have seen, I am responsible

Faith without deeds is DEAD."

Here's to the Future!

last time i wrote i informed you of my summer to-do list. believe it or not, i am doing quite well with it. i have eaten lots of ice cream, been to some playgrounds, faced some fears and am learning what it truly means to be free. while i still have a ways to go on completing that lovely list of mine, i am making progress. :)

i returned home wednesday from a trip to NY with my friend. i went back to visit old friends and my good friend brooke tagged along. it was an interesting trip. i think this trip definitely brought the closure i had been so deeply needing. events of the trip made me realize that it is totally ok to be beyond west point. it is ok to be happy where i am now. it is ok to have new friends and a new church and it is ok to ENJOY all these new things. i don't need to feel guilty for moving on. how incredibly thankful i am to get to this point. my time living in new york was wonderful - don't get me wrong. i loved living there, i love the people i met and got to know there, i love my church there, i love the scenery there...it was a great place to grow up.

i am excited to start living life beyond the past. i think this is part of being free. letting the past be the past, enjoying the memories, but not dwelling on what could've been. i am looking forward to the future and all that it will bring!

blessings!

Summer To-Do List...

So, my friend courtney made a "Summer To-Do List" earlier this week, and I decided i would do the same. the last item on this list i took from court's, but, i thought it was so great, it just had to be on mine!! here's the list:

1. face fears

2. be spontaneous 

3. spend time with people

4. read 3 books

5. go to at least 5 different playgrounds and take pictures

6. write a letter a week...and mail it!

7. get on track with bible reading

8. go to "naked plates" and paint pottery

9. take a walk every day, rain or shine

10. learn what it means to be free

11. facebook fast

12. slow down and enjoy every moment

13. eat lots of ice cream

14. walk the beach with a friend

15. learn something new

16. pull an all-nighter with a friend

17. document the completion of all these activities

18. make this a summer worth remembering

at the end of the summer, i'll let you know how i did - wish me luck! :)

give me and UNDIVIDED heart

on my birthday i wrote about wanting my life to be a sweet sweet sound unto the Lord. I am longing to live a life pleasing to Him, and longing to life a life in total and complete worship of my Savior. 

i have often struggled with having set quiet times with the Lord. I don't struggle with wanting to do it, or even finding the time to do it. no, i struggle with where to even begin. the Bible is such a HUGE book, it is so rich, and dense and full of lessons and promises - where do i start? how can i possibly soak up all of it? It is indeed overwhelming to me, but something i so desperately want. 

part of my struggle is i want to learn and grow so much, but there is just no way i can do it fast enough. i am desperate for the Lord. i am at a point in my life where the future is incredibly unknown. i know where i will attend college, but, i have no idea what i want to do with the rest of my life, what i want to study, who i will live with. and i have so many people giving me their opinions and suggestions (which i do appreciate) but when it comes right down to it, the only opinion i care about is the Lord's. I want to do what HE wants me to do. He has created me for something. i just want to figure out what that something is! i am DESPERATE for His leading. and i believe diving into His word and being drenched in Him will help show me the way to go. 

i have been praying that God would show me what it is He has for me. asking that He would continue to lead me. as i sat today thumbing through my Bible, i stopped at the book of Psalms. I stopped and read Psalm 139. i was reminded of the fact that i am "fearfully and wonderfully made." the peace i felt after reading that was overwhelming. God has designed me, "knit me together in  my mother's womb" He knows me, inside and out. How amazing is that? Even though right now I may not know where my life is going, GOD DOES. It is one thing to know it in my head, but to see it on paper in front of my face, and let it just soak into every fiber of being was something completely different. it brought peace, and hope. 

i continued reading Psalm 139 and came to the following verses: 

"Search me, O God, and know my heart;

Test me and know my thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

And lead me in the way everlasting."

In working on turning my life into a life of worship, i must rid myself of thoughts and actions that are unpleasing to God. I must let the Lord search me, know me and transform me in the way that only He can. I sat again in my room, praying these verses to the Lord. As I prayed, my mind was all over the place. I found myself distracted by the ring of my phone, the mess in my room and the noises of my family members throughout the house. But my mind also wandered to the verse i had read just the other night. Here it is in the Message:

"Train me, God, to walk straight;

then I'll follow Your true path.

Put me together, one heart and mind;

then, UNDIVIDED, I"ll worship in joyful fear."

That is the key. Being undivided.  Perhaps studying the Word of God in my messy room, with the my phone on, and right next to me, isn't the best way to do thing. Maybe i am not helping my cause. I have been frustrated, feeling like God has been silent. Perhaps He has been, but perhaps I am just not listening. Perhaps I just can't hear because of all the noise that is surrounding me. I find that whey my heart and mind are, together, and truly focused, and distraction free, i learn so much more. i hear so much more, i find peace and joy. For God to guide me and begin to unveil His will for my life, i must be willing to let go of other, lesser things.

My prayer now is that my life will be a sweet, sweet sound, and that my heart will be undivided; that my full and complete attention would be on the Lord.

June 1

well...it's my birthday. 

i'm now 18. 18 is one of those "big" birthdays...i make the transition from kid to "adult" - whatever that means. let's see, what does it mean? i can vote, by cigarettes, and join the military. I guess that makes me an adult...maybe?! i'm still not sure.

As of right now, I don't feel any different. No more adult-like than i did yesterday. i suppose this feeling of being a grown up may come with time. to be honest, i just don't know. 

there is a fabulous story by Sandra Cisneros called "Eleven" where a young girl talks about the events of her 11th birthday. This girl, Rachel, describes birthdays and age as being like nesting dolls, or layers of an onion - one on top of the other. Rachel states that when you are 11, you are also 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1. Because even when you are 11, you still need to cry on your mom's lap, and that is the  3 year old part of you. 

I guess in my case, I am now 18, but still 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1. i think this idea illustrated in Cisneros' story is very true. I have my 3 year old moments, when I just need a good cry. there are times i have the snooty attitude of a 13 year old. But i also now possess the characteristics of an 18 year old. 

At 18, I am preparing for college. I graduated from high school. I am learning to make my own decisions. I am learning how to be independent and take care of myself (not so much this morning - it was not me, but my mom that made me french toast for breakfast...but again, i am learning. *grin*). 

All of this changing and growing and learning i find overwhelming. It is hard to take in every bit of it. However, i am thankful to have a God that carries me through all of this. That is by my side and is CONSTANT. And that is something to be very grateful for. 

As I begin this new year of life, i also think of some "resolutions." i know, those are meant for New Year's, but, why not make a few now. ok, maybe not a few, maybe just one. I have been thinking so much lately about having an undivided heart and what that truly means. i think in many ways, it is having a life of worship. if i am in constant, pure worship of my Savior, my heart, by default, is focused on nothing else but Him. I want my life to be a reflection of His goodness to me over the past 18 years.

every day, whether the 18 year old in me is showing, or the 6 year old part of me is being seen, I want my life to bring glory and honor to the One that gave it to me. I think Sarah Reeves says it best in her song, "Sweet Sweet Sound"...

I am an instrument of the living God
My life a melody to His name
More than the songs I sing
Worship is everything
I live to glorify my King

Hear the song of my life
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound
I raise this anthem high
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound

Through all the mire and clay
You're washing me with grace
You carry me, oh Lord, through it all
So I will testify even in the fire
I live to praise my Savior

Hear the song of my life
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound
I raise this anthem high
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound

Let everything that has breath
Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord
And all creation will sing Hallelujah

Hear the song of my life
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound
I raise this anthem high

Let it be a sweet, sweet sound
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound

My prayer, as I start this new year of life, is that every single day, my life will be a sweet, sweet sound to my Savior.