what do i do?

oh man...i have done SO much thinking these past few days. so much thinking that my brain may actually explode. but, probably not, but then again, maybe. *grin*


anyways as i prepare to head of to college in just a few short months i have really been thinking about what i want to do with my life. for years i have known exactly what i wanted to do. i would teach elementary special ed. one day open my own school and teach. i've always had a heart for the "underdog" and love helping others, and i adore kids! it just made sense, i would teach special ed. done. set. ready to go. but, lately, God has really been tugging at my heart and putting a few other ideas into my head.


as i work with small children at church, and at school, i am realizing that maybe working with little little kids just isn't the right place for me. don't get me wrong, i LOVE my AWANA cubbies, and my kindergarten small group...i love them to death. but, more and more things have been frustrating, as opposed to enjoyable and i find myself wishing i was working with older kids. even getting to know and talk to High Schoolers...people my own age! i want to be there for people, be a listener, and when the time calls for it, an advice giver and helper.


my frustration with the little kids has been that i feel like i can't get to know them. their little minds are all over the place, flitting from one thing to the next. it is hard to really talk to them and get to know them and their little, developing personality.


I have really found myself sort of wondering about youth ministry for HS or middle school...something with older kids. a place where i can just be crazy, have fun, and still teach in some capacity, but, have the relational aspect that you can get with older kids.


yet, even another part of me feels a tug towards missions, both international and domestic. I see so many needs all over the place and here of so many places of brokenness and i want to help. i want to go wherever and do whatever whenever. I just don't know!!!!!!!


but, here's my struggle. i want to know beyond all doubt that this is what God wants me to do. More than anything i want to please Him and do what it is He has made me to do. I know that He has created me for a purpose, and I am who I am because of the job that He has for me.


sometimes i wonder, how do I know what God wants for me? How do I know that what i am doing or planning on doing is really what God has planned for me? How do I keep straight what is from God and what are my own thoughts, emotions, or desires? hmm...any thoughts?


my youth leader said once, "God is preparing you for what He is preparing for you" while it takes my brain a few minutes to really grasp what that is saying, i think it is so true. and now, i just wish knew what God was preparing for me. But, i know that i will know when i need to know!


well, that's about it...just needed to let all of this out of my brain. i love blogging! :)


hope you all are doing well!!!