Life...

I am learning SO much lately. About myself, about others, about God, about life, about love...the list goes on. I am learning. Want to know something that is hard for me? Of course you do. This may sound strange, but, here it goes...


Giving up.


Let it sink in. I have a hard time giving up.


Are you sure you got it? GIVING UP! That is hard for me.


If you didn't think I was strange, probably you think I am now.


I think giving up is so hard. I always want to be the best. Help people. Fix things. Change things. Do better. Learn more. Know everything. Be positive. Do everything. Understand everything. All that jazz.


I try so stinking hard to achieve all of that. I burn myself out trying. I try. Everyday I wake up and tell myself that even if I failed yesterday, I am going to try harder today. I just didn't do a good job yesterday, but, today, I will succeed. Trying harder is easy...for me at least. Guess where trying harder gets me. You guessed it, nowhere.


By trying harder, I only get nowhere. So, why not give up. No not, throw in the towel. Let God do it. More like...surrender. Maybe. Yes, surrender. "Less like breakdown, more like surrender..." (Sara Groves). How many of you are good at surrendering. That's right. Not one hand went up. Didn't think so. If I missed your hand, if you are good at surrendering, giving up, kudos to you. I am not good at that.


I always wanted to be the girl who could do it "all by myself." I didn't need mommy to tie my shoe. Or zipper my zipper, or button my buttons. I could do it. I was Miss Independent. The only time me and help colided, was when I helped someone else. Other than that...help wasn't something I wanted. I sure needed it, but, I never wanted it.


I haven't changed. I don't want to surrender. But, I need to. I need him. I need to stop trying and let HIM do the work. I need God to teach me. To help me. I need God to keep me positive and real. I need God to help me understand. I need God to give me words to help others, not use my own. I need God to change others for him. I need God to change lives. Not me. I need God to give me wisdom. So, therefore I need to give up. Not try harder. Give up. Maybe not give up. Give IT up. Whatever my "it" is at the time. GIVE IT UP!!! Lay it down. Let Jesus take over. I have so much to learn. I have learned so much. Surrender is not even it. I know this is scattered and wordy. But, I like to share. Not all of this even makes sense to me. But, it has just been stirring in me.


Life isn't about me. Maybe that is the bottom line. Maybe that is what I need to grasp. Nothing I do is about me...whoa. Let me take that in.


Jesus, give me a willing heart. Willing to surrender. Willing to learn. Willing to be taught. A willing heart. All that it entails.


Blessings...
...me...