AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! My brain is about to explode. So much has been going through it that if I don't start writing NOW, it will never get out!
I have been sort of frustrated lately. Partly with myself, partly just with life in general. I don't quite know how to get it into words, but, I will try. I have been wanting you know to get to know the Lord better, read my Bible more faithfully, etc. But, I just don't know where to begin. Like, what book do I read next in my Bible. Or, how to study it. You know, sort of technical things like that. So, pretty much, when I do read, I just skip around and read whatever jumps out at me. Praying that God would fill me up because I just can't get enough of Him lately.
"I'm finding when you build, it feels like you tear me apart
And when you heal, it always leaves a scar
And even when you fill, you leave me with a beggar's heart" -Bethany Dillon
This is pretty much what I have been feeling, and as usual, I can express it with someone elses song. He has been building me up, but, you know it like it always just hurts, because usually when God works, it means you have to give, or let go or whatever. He has to break you before he can build. And stuff in my life lately is like a picture of those words.
Over the years I have had some wounds you know, and like, he is healing me, but, it totally kills. It's like, why is it that to make me better, you have to leave me with some big ol' scar. I know that beauty comes from pain, but, God must not enjoy pain killers, because, I always feel pain!! I wish he gave tylanol (sp?) when he came in to do work. HA! But, latelyI have been being filled, but, still just can't get enough. And while it is frustrating, I love it. I don't want the feeling of being a beggar go away.
Jesus, fill me with you. But, don't let me forget that I am small. You are big and great, and are the only one that satisfies. Don't let me be complacent. Let me beg for you!
so, the other thing on my mind has been not so frustrating, more just normal. I was thinking today about what I want to do with my life besides get a metallic Christmas tree and a red couch. Like, career wise. And, it was frustrating me, but, also, getting me super excited to see where God leads me. I want to know all about everything, but, like all about autism, down syndrome, and all that jazz. Learn how to teach them and such. So, that was exciting.
third. It is easter!! I love just getting that hope renewal. Knowing that this life is temporary. LOVE IT! And being reminded how awesome my God is. How cool-he would die because he LOVES ME!! love it love it love it!! it is amazing. I am speechless. Dumbfound!! totally cool beans! I want him!! I have him, but, just can't get enough. It is one of those: "I Like him, I love him, I want more of him!" type things. SUper cool and super amazing. HALLELUJAH! He is risen!! :) :) :)
So, not much else. Just needed to let my brain barf. So much. I am learning and begging, and finding, yet still seeking. It is insane and crazy, yet I am totally in L-O-V-E!!! He is super cool! Well, pardon the scattered-ness. Just had to get all this out!!
Tomorrow is shopping with my friend. Gonna be awesome. And then, back to school on tues. GAGNACIOUS!! But, only a bit longer until I am done! BE free and enjoy the rest of EASTER!! YAY!
08 April 2007
07 April 2007
Waking Up
Hey guys...
I decided to do something a little crazy. I am entering the "Bethany Dillon Waking Up Essay Contest." Basically, I needed to write 500-800 words on a time in my life where God woke me up. So, I did. And just finished. Thought I would share it with you guys. Hope you like it. And please, pardon any errors, it has not been edited yet. :)
Typically, being woken up is the most dreaded thing in my life. I hate having to come out of my cozy bed into the cold morning air at six in the morning to prepare for my day. Yet, I have found that when it is God, and not your mother, that wakes you up, it is quite pleasurable. Hearing His gentle voice whisper my name is one of the sweetest sounds I have ever heard. I vividly remember hearing Him beckoning me to wake up and enter his presence. While it required leaving my comfortable surroundings into the chilly air of the unknown, I was ready to take a plunge, knowing Jesus was there waiting for me.
Last summer I had the awesome privilege of attending a huge youth leadership conference known as DCLA. I had just finished up my freshman year at high school and to my own knowledge was doing great spiritually. I read my Bible, was a faithful church and Bible Study attendee and had never said a curse word in my life. To the outside world, I was on the ball. But, in my heart, I was off the ball, in fact, I was flat on my face. While that may seem quite obvious, I had no idea. I had packed my things and prepared for the trip. But, nothing on earth could have prepared me for what I was about to be exposed to in the five short days I would have in Washington DC.
We arrived to the Marriot, got our room assignments and prepared to go to “Big Room.” One gigantic room where David Crowder Band led us in worship, amazing speakers taught us and the presence of God was real. Although the music was loud, it didn’t wake me up. I left there still feeling like this week would be good, but, I would not learn many new things. I must not have been able to feel the ground on my face, but, soon, God would pull me off the floor and bring me into His light.
Over the course of the five days in the city, I heard about how to witness and share God’s love, things that almost every Christian has heard at one time or another. But, this time was different; each day when I walked to the convention center, I was itching to know what I would learn that day. I couldn’t seem to get enough. This was when God first began to tip-toe into the room called my heart, and prepare to wake me up to his majesty.
I remember each night praying and thanking God for the day of worship and learning, and asked that the next I might learn something new. My prayer was answered each day, and I began to feel a change. God was rubbing my back and saying, "Wake up. It is a new day and I have so much for you, but, you won’t ever grasp the fullness of it asleep.” But, me, being my stubborn self would simply roll over and tell myself that although I enjoyed the new things and craved more of God, it wasn’t time to wake up yet.
After the five days, I returned home and noticed that the change I had been noticing was gone, and the fire that burned in my soul had died. Being comfortable and warm in my bed began to annoy me. I couldn’t figure out why the fire I had for God would just die. Why couldn’t I feel the way I did at DCLA forever? It was then that God opened the curtains and pulled the covers off of me and said, “GET UP!” It was then that I realized God is just as big at home as He is at youth conferences. I realized that I can learn more about Him every day even without a fancy speaker. I finally realized that God had used DCLA to wake me up out of complacency. When I finally woke up, I stepped foot on the biggest, fastest, roller coaster in the world. It is called, Life. I realized that whether at home, at school or at church, my fire for Christ can burn. I learned to look around me and realize His majesty in everything around me. I also have come to learn that I will fall back to sleep. But, God is faithful and never fails to turn on the light and open the window when I become to cozy. Waking up to Jesus never seems to get old and I am grateful for my trip because it was then when my real walk with Jesus began.
I decided to do something a little crazy. I am entering the "Bethany Dillon Waking Up Essay Contest." Basically, I needed to write 500-800 words on a time in my life where God woke me up. So, I did. And just finished. Thought I would share it with you guys. Hope you like it. And please, pardon any errors, it has not been edited yet. :)
Typically, being woken up is the most dreaded thing in my life. I hate having to come out of my cozy bed into the cold morning air at six in the morning to prepare for my day. Yet, I have found that when it is God, and not your mother, that wakes you up, it is quite pleasurable. Hearing His gentle voice whisper my name is one of the sweetest sounds I have ever heard. I vividly remember hearing Him beckoning me to wake up and enter his presence. While it required leaving my comfortable surroundings into the chilly air of the unknown, I was ready to take a plunge, knowing Jesus was there waiting for me.
Last summer I had the awesome privilege of attending a huge youth leadership conference known as DCLA. I had just finished up my freshman year at high school and to my own knowledge was doing great spiritually. I read my Bible, was a faithful church and Bible Study attendee and had never said a curse word in my life. To the outside world, I was on the ball. But, in my heart, I was off the ball, in fact, I was flat on my face. While that may seem quite obvious, I had no idea. I had packed my things and prepared for the trip. But, nothing on earth could have prepared me for what I was about to be exposed to in the five short days I would have in Washington DC.
We arrived to the Marriot, got our room assignments and prepared to go to “Big Room.” One gigantic room where David Crowder Band led us in worship, amazing speakers taught us and the presence of God was real. Although the music was loud, it didn’t wake me up. I left there still feeling like this week would be good, but, I would not learn many new things. I must not have been able to feel the ground on my face, but, soon, God would pull me off the floor and bring me into His light.
Over the course of the five days in the city, I heard about how to witness and share God’s love, things that almost every Christian has heard at one time or another. But, this time was different; each day when I walked to the convention center, I was itching to know what I would learn that day. I couldn’t seem to get enough. This was when God first began to tip-toe into the room called my heart, and prepare to wake me up to his majesty.
I remember each night praying and thanking God for the day of worship and learning, and asked that the next I might learn something new. My prayer was answered each day, and I began to feel a change. God was rubbing my back and saying, "Wake up. It is a new day and I have so much for you, but, you won’t ever grasp the fullness of it asleep.” But, me, being my stubborn self would simply roll over and tell myself that although I enjoyed the new things and craved more of God, it wasn’t time to wake up yet.
After the five days, I returned home and noticed that the change I had been noticing was gone, and the fire that burned in my soul had died. Being comfortable and warm in my bed began to annoy me. I couldn’t figure out why the fire I had for God would just die. Why couldn’t I feel the way I did at DCLA forever? It was then that God opened the curtains and pulled the covers off of me and said, “GET UP!” It was then that I realized God is just as big at home as He is at youth conferences. I realized that I can learn more about Him every day even without a fancy speaker. I finally realized that God had used DCLA to wake me up out of complacency. When I finally woke up, I stepped foot on the biggest, fastest, roller coaster in the world. It is called, Life. I realized that whether at home, at school or at church, my fire for Christ can burn. I learned to look around me and realize His majesty in everything around me. I also have come to learn that I will fall back to sleep. But, God is faithful and never fails to turn on the light and open the window when I become to cozy. Waking up to Jesus never seems to get old and I am grateful for my trip because it was then when my real walk with Jesus began.
03 April 2007
The joys of time off...
So, it is only tuesday, and already I am totally in love with spring break.
Yesterday, my friend and I walked for 6.5 hours, over 10 miles and just had the best time together. sweet conversation, lots of laughs...it was awesome. We took tons of pictures and just laughed our heads off...my feet were killing me when we were done, but, it was all worth it!
Today, I hung out around home, waiting for the mail in hopes of my beth dillon cd coming...but alas, no cd. I was bummed. But, that will make it so much sweeter knowing i waited so long for it! It better be here tomorrow!
But, tonite, we had a bbq with like 15-20 people. Before hand I was scrambling around the grocery store with my friend trying to get last minute stuff. We were cruising around in her car, blasting jack johnson, windows down, just enjoying eachothers company. It was awesome!! Great fellowship and time to spend together.
Tomorrow, I am doing a service day with youth group. That will be fun. Serving others always just blesses me so much. I am in love with helping out! :) That is until i need to help around the house, then I am gone! HA!
I have been learning so much lately...but, I can't seem to find the words to share it. So, I will wait until I can clearly gather my thoughts. But, just know that GOD IS SO FREAKIN GOOD!! AHHHH!! I am learning that so much. So, it is super!
Not much else. I am pooped. Bed time for me. more writing later. Bless and be blessed...and go out and buy the beth dillon cd. It is amazing (well, what I have heard is!). HAHAHA!! love to you all!
Yesterday, my friend and I walked for 6.5 hours, over 10 miles and just had the best time together. sweet conversation, lots of laughs...it was awesome. We took tons of pictures and just laughed our heads off...my feet were killing me when we were done, but, it was all worth it!
Today, I hung out around home, waiting for the mail in hopes of my beth dillon cd coming...but alas, no cd. I was bummed. But, that will make it so much sweeter knowing i waited so long for it! It better be here tomorrow!
But, tonite, we had a bbq with like 15-20 people. Before hand I was scrambling around the grocery store with my friend trying to get last minute stuff. We were cruising around in her car, blasting jack johnson, windows down, just enjoying eachothers company. It was awesome!! Great fellowship and time to spend together.
Tomorrow, I am doing a service day with youth group. That will be fun. Serving others always just blesses me so much. I am in love with helping out! :) That is until i need to help around the house, then I am gone! HA!
I have been learning so much lately...but, I can't seem to find the words to share it. So, I will wait until I can clearly gather my thoughts. But, just know that GOD IS SO FREAKIN GOOD!! AHHHH!! I am learning that so much. So, it is super!
Not much else. I am pooped. Bed time for me. more writing later. Bless and be blessed...and go out and buy the beth dillon cd. It is amazing (well, what I have heard is!). HAHAHA!! love to you all!
30 March 2007
A Break...
Finally-
I am on Spring Break. It feels so so wonderful. I have been working so hard at school and stuff, and it just feels so nice to know that I have a whole week and a few days of absolutely NOTHING!! N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!! I am psyched!
This week has been one of those weeks. The ones where you are like just not feelin' it. Whether with school, friends, God, whatever. I have just been blah this week and I didn't like it so much. I like to feel on fire, on top of the world, you know, totally like ready for whatever comes my way. But, this week was different. Was it stress? Fatigue? I am not quite sure, all I know is that this week was the week of down-ness and semi-grouchiness.
But, now, it is time for a break. I am so ready. Ready for the spring weather that I adore, ready to spend time with my friends, ready to spend time with Jesus, ready to just be lazy! YAY!
My favorite thing about break is that there is no schedule. I can do what I want, when I want. Plus, all my friends are going to be around, so, it means lots of time to spend together. Hanging out, my favorite things to do.
I don't really have much else to say. HOpefully with the time off, I will be able to write about lots of things that have been on my heart lately. Things that have been stirring in me, and things that God has really been teaching me. I am loving it. Much love to you all...
I am on Spring Break. It feels so so wonderful. I have been working so hard at school and stuff, and it just feels so nice to know that I have a whole week and a few days of absolutely NOTHING!! N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!! I am psyched!
This week has been one of those weeks. The ones where you are like just not feelin' it. Whether with school, friends, God, whatever. I have just been blah this week and I didn't like it so much. I like to feel on fire, on top of the world, you know, totally like ready for whatever comes my way. But, this week was different. Was it stress? Fatigue? I am not quite sure, all I know is that this week was the week of down-ness and semi-grouchiness.
But, now, it is time for a break. I am so ready. Ready for the spring weather that I adore, ready to spend time with my friends, ready to spend time with Jesus, ready to just be lazy! YAY!
My favorite thing about break is that there is no schedule. I can do what I want, when I want. Plus, all my friends are going to be around, so, it means lots of time to spend together. Hanging out, my favorite things to do.
I don't really have much else to say. HOpefully with the time off, I will be able to write about lots of things that have been on my heart lately. Things that have been stirring in me, and things that God has really been teaching me. I am loving it. Much love to you all...
17 March 2007
Just catchin' up!
Oh boy...
It has been wwwwwaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy too long! I have not been able to get on this in a while because the dumb computer wouldn't work. drat. But, now, I am back. YAY! I am sure all 3 readers have missed me. :)
Let's see. where to begin. Let's go way back to when I realized I needed some help. After bottling up some feelings, I decided to go and talk to someone about how to deal with anger and hurt. I did and let me tell you how liberating and refreshing it was. Just getting if off my chest. absolutely amazing. But, at first, it was really hard for me to do, and honestly, quite awkward. But, I figured out why. You see, I have no problem talking to my close friends about what is stirring in my heart, yet, going to talk to the Chaplain was like having a baby in my mind-hard, uncomfortable, and something i didn't plan on doing for quite a few years. Here, my friends, is why it was so rough. I was labeling my CH as counselor, shrink etc. And with those names I associate people who are crazy, mental, have oodles of problems. So, I felt so weird about it. I thought something was wrong with me. When I talk to friends, it is just conversation. When I talk to a CH it seemed like I had real issues. So, changing my mindset has helped a lot. I know think of the CH as a friend, someone I can tell anything to. And I know, that the reason I go, is to better myself, which makes a world of a difference.
OK, next big thing. We have a house. Well, we have always had a house, but, now we have a new house in our new town. I am so excited. A bigger room, new bathroom, fire place...uber awesome, fun and exciting. I will be close to my aunts and uncles. so, so, so exciting.
Now, probably the most exciting thing yet. I have learned the power of prayer. I won't share all the details, but, let me just say this. NEVER, EVER, EVER underestimate the power of prayer. God is insanley amazing and when you think that prayer is just a small thing, or won't make a difference...know that you are wrong. I can't even explain it, but, my recent experience was so unreal, I was blown away and became so fired up to pray. Sounds odd, but, it is true. PRAY PRAY PRAY!!!
Well, lots of odds and ends, but, you know me...just like to write. share, confuse people by my disorganized writing process. *grin* enjoy the day. love you all...
bless and be blessed!
It has been wwwwwaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy too long! I have not been able to get on this in a while because the dumb computer wouldn't work. drat. But, now, I am back. YAY! I am sure all 3 readers have missed me. :)
Let's see. where to begin. Let's go way back to when I realized I needed some help. After bottling up some feelings, I decided to go and talk to someone about how to deal with anger and hurt. I did and let me tell you how liberating and refreshing it was. Just getting if off my chest. absolutely amazing. But, at first, it was really hard for me to do, and honestly, quite awkward. But, I figured out why. You see, I have no problem talking to my close friends about what is stirring in my heart, yet, going to talk to the Chaplain was like having a baby in my mind-hard, uncomfortable, and something i didn't plan on doing for quite a few years. Here, my friends, is why it was so rough. I was labeling my CH as counselor, shrink etc. And with those names I associate people who are crazy, mental, have oodles of problems. So, I felt so weird about it. I thought something was wrong with me. When I talk to friends, it is just conversation. When I talk to a CH it seemed like I had real issues. So, changing my mindset has helped a lot. I know think of the CH as a friend, someone I can tell anything to. And I know, that the reason I go, is to better myself, which makes a world of a difference.
OK, next big thing. We have a house. Well, we have always had a house, but, now we have a new house in our new town. I am so excited. A bigger room, new bathroom, fire place...uber awesome, fun and exciting. I will be close to my aunts and uncles. so, so, so exciting.
Now, probably the most exciting thing yet. I have learned the power of prayer. I won't share all the details, but, let me just say this. NEVER, EVER, EVER underestimate the power of prayer. God is insanley amazing and when you think that prayer is just a small thing, or won't make a difference...know that you are wrong. I can't even explain it, but, my recent experience was so unreal, I was blown away and became so fired up to pray. Sounds odd, but, it is true. PRAY PRAY PRAY!!!
Well, lots of odds and ends, but, you know me...just like to write. share, confuse people by my disorganized writing process. *grin* enjoy the day. love you all...
bless and be blessed!
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